Tags: fall fever

nor straws scary

fall fever

Something has happened. Things are falling. Barriers are coming down. Filters are not filtering. The leaves are turning and the skies are grey and mist and everything is so beautiful. I just want to walk and laugh and play, but I have things to do, bills to pay, plants to water, houses to clean, homework to do, languages to learn. I want to meander in the streets and think about big tree roots buckling sidewalks and swing on swings and smell the sweet sweet damp and maybe go to Canada (the real Canada) and just maybe...

Is there such a thing as fall fever?

It's all so much, and I am letting it in. It's too much. Everything is beautiful and wondrous and hard and mean and terrible. I am so tired. I let the world in because it is amazing but I cannot handle it. But if I block it out so I can do what I need to do, I may as well kill myself because I am wasting my time. I'm not interested in that; there's just too much beauty to abandon or waste. What to do?

For a week I'd like to wander. I want to ride my bike. I want to trudge through the sticky leaf muck on the ground. I want to explore the streets. I want to go along the railroad tracks. I want to walk that labyrinth again. I want to walk up Balch Creek and hide in the Witch House and read Zoe Trope and listen to United Future Organization. I want to hike further through Forest Park and swing on the vines and nearly smash myself into silly little bits. I want to blow bubbles off bridges. I want to ride TriMet to all corners of its reach and further out on other busses to Salem and Salmon Creek and Tillamook and listen to *Silver Mt. Zion* and stare out the window at the trees flying by and just soak it all in.

I don't want to do homework or go to class or mail taxes or pay my grandmother's bills or my bills or water the plants or mop the fucking floor. Even if just for a week.

And also I really want to go to the Canada. And soon.
nor straws scary

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As I walk by, I run my fingers alound the brick wall, smooooth BUMP smooooth BUMP smooooth BUMP and the boy on the corner dances to the music on my headphones. Does the world dance to the music on my headphones? The sun glows ever fainter and fainter orange earlier and earlier in the afternoon and the rose bushes droop under th eweight of so many flowers and the clouds roll by overhead tumbling over themselves as I wait for the bus and the world says, "Yes."
nor straws scary

(no subject)

People are hard.

The world is hard.

Most everything is scary and I don't feel adequately equipped to handle it.

How do people learn it all?

i don't know what to do when this happens other than wait.

every now and then, all my insecurities and inadequacies and frustrations and lacks of understanding come crashing down at once.

that's today.

i am now listening to the most painfully beautiful thing i know.
nor straws scary

(no subject)

Meanwhile, in another totally different world,

today was beautiful. Fall is coming, if not here, yet it's been warm and sunny. The sun is low, the sky is clear and deep and incredible, and it's hard to forget how wonderful it is to be alive.
nor straws scary

(no subject)

I went out of the house tonight, smelled the air, and discovered it was fall.

Fall isn't when it gets cold and starts raining. Fall isn't when the leaves turn and fall. Fall isn't grey skies and wind. Fall isn't clogged storm drains and flooded streets. These are just things that happen in fall.

Fall is a feeling, and even more, a smell.

Fall is when you smell the air and your nose brings you pumpkins. Fall is when you smell the air and you think of sitting at home on the couch wrapped in a blanket, drinking cocoa. Fall is when you smell the air and you picture reading in the evening under artificial light, always artificial light.

But fall is not cocoa and pumpkins and blankets and short days, and fall is not looking forward to seven months of rain or knowing there won't be another 90 degree day again until May; fall is the smell that tells you that these things are here.

Today, it is fall. My nose knows it.

And it is glorious.